Video games have had a pretty spotty track record regarding romance. During the 8-bit days, most titles used love interests as a reward for completing the game. Much of this could be attributed to the limited tech at the time and the regressive attitudes towards the medium.
In recent years, the game market has become more diverse and less male-centric, leading people from all over the gender and sexual spectrum to enter the medium. As such, game romances have become more mature and nuanced. There is, however, value in remembering the gaming romances that didn’t exactly cause those HP hearts to flutter.
While the bait and switch between Snake and Raiden has been the subject of much unfair scrutiny, his relationship with Rose has certainly earned it. One call actually has Rose call while Raiden’s in the middle of defusing bombs that are set to explode to reminisce about the two first met.
They proceed to go on a long and dull story about how they first encountered each other through an argument over which building King Kong climbed on in New York. Defenders might say this foreshadows the twist that Raiden’s assist team is actually the patriots. The problem is that he just goes along with it.
9/10 Star Wars The Force Unleashed Has A Suitably Forced Love Interest
Han and Leia’s romantic subplot from the original Star Wars trilogy was lightning in a bottle that none of the subsequent tie-in media has even come close to matching. Padme and Anakin from the prequels were much maligned for their utter lack of charisma and cringe-worthly lines, such as the infamous “I hate sand” scene.
Fans will be pleased to see this downward trend continue with Starkiller and Juno Eclipse in The Force Unleashed. Starkiller is already a hard character to like, but his lack of romantic chemistry with Juno puts his weaknesses front and center.
8/10 A Grating Love Interest Keeps Players From Being Alone In The Dark
This 2008 iteration of a classic horror franchise was yet another installment that deviated further from the original game’s roots. It’s baffling how the game can call itself Alone in the Dark with a straight face when the main character is not alone, and everything is illuminated by fire.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that the game made series protagonist Edward Carnby into a crass jerk, they had to shoehorn in an equally unlikeable love interest. Sarah contributes absolutely nothing to the gameplay or the plot, making this romantic subplot artificial and hollow.
7/10 Leisure Suit Larry Rewards Puzzle Solvers With Sex
Al Lowe’s Leisure Suit Larry titles put players in control of the eponymous swinger as he tries to court as many beautiful ladies as possible. While some games deviate from this formula, such as the second and fifth entries, most of the games with Larry Laffer see him solving puzzles in order to court several women.
The third entry sees Larry at his absolute lowest when a messy divorce causes him to trade his earthy possessions for some lovemaking with complete strangers. The end of the game does see him settle down with a lady named Passionate Patti, but she disappears from the series a few installments later.
6/10 Prince Of Persia Warrior Within’s Love Story Isn’t Even A Tenth of Sands Of Time
While Sands of Time contains one of the best love stories in video games, its sequel has one of the worst. Disregarding all the character development the Prince had acquired during the original title, he decides to kill someone he’s never met in order to save himself from the Dahaka.
He travels to the Island of Time in order to assassinate the Empress before she can create the Sands. However, If players collect all the sword upgrades, they can unlock a gratuitous love scene between two characters who don’t have a billionth of the personality as the Prince and Farah from the first game.
5/10 Snow And Serah From Final Fantasy XIII Showcase The Series’ Fall From Grace
The Final Fantasy series has boasted memorable gaming romances such as Celes and Locke from VI and the love triangle between Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris in VII. Unfortunately, Snow and Serah’s dismal relationship in XIII is an absolute spit in the face of this franchise’s legacy.
While the game’s incomprehensible plot does their scenes no favors, their complete lack of chemistry sinks this relationship. It’s hard to muster any emotion over Serah’s demise when she’s more plot device than character. Like the rest of Final Fantasy XIII, this romance only showcases how far this series has fallen from grace.
4/10 Ride To Hell: Retribution’s Loves Scenes Are Unintentionally Hilarious
Throughout Jake Conway’s rampage to avenge his brother, he comes across several women affronted by ruffians who feel entitled to some lovemaking. Players have the option of throttling these jerks and getting rewarded with some lovemaking. Putting aside the morals of positioning sex as a reward for saving people in distress, the love scenes themselves are nothing short of embarrassing.
Characters are not only fully clothed, but they also have no facial animations whatsoever. It’s about as titillating as watching somebody smack two action figures together. They’re almost worth uncovering just for the laughs players will get out of them.
3/10 Indigo Prophecy Tops The Studio’s Stomach Churning Romances
David Cage’s abilities as a storyteller have always been suspect, to say the least. While much praise has been directed towards Quantic Dreams’ games for their narrative ambitions, there’s no denying that they’re poorly written titles plagued with tired clichés, awkward dialogue, ham-fisted social commentary, and cringe-worthy love scenes.
While many of his games contain contenders for the worst gaming romances, Indigo Prophecy wins by virtue of featuring a love scene with an animated corpse. That’s right: Lucas is actually a zombie when he and Carla decide to suck face. At least it’s consensual.
2/10 Sonic the Hedgehog Adds A Little Bestiality To A Fairytale Love Story
Sonic the Hedgehog for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 was meant to breathe new life into the then 15-year-old franchise. However, upon its release, it became one of the most maligned video games of all time. One factor in its critical paddling was the deeply unsettling relationship between a realistic human princess and its Max Fleischer-esque cartoon mascot.
It’s a tired retread of the standard fairytale romance tropes with a little dash of bestiality thrown in. It is one of the most ill-advised attempts to spice up the Sonic series since his moody frenemy started packing heat and swearing.
1/10 Duke Nukem Forever’s Cranks The Series’ Misogyny Up To 11
Duke Nukem 3D already had dubious depictions of the opposite sex with its strippers and the captive women who pleaded with Duke to kill them. However, its long-awaited follow-up cranks that problem up to 11. The hive level in Duke Nukem Forever showcases the game’s utterly sociopathic and misogynistic attitude toward women.
An unfazed Duke cracks wise throughout the level while the Holsem twins and several other innocent women suffer a disturbing fate. Game critic Yahtzee Croshaw likened the sequence to “splicing five minutes of The Human Centipede into the middle of Mallrats.“
